Self-Examination: Seeing Yourself More Clearly


Blame. Self-Examination.


Self-Examination. Self-Esteem.

As far back as I can remember everything bad that ever happened to me was always someone else’s fault. “It’s not my fault, I’m not to blame” was one of my favorite sayings.

However, self-examination requires that you go against your nature to do what you’re unaccustomed to doing – honestly assessing yourself.

Filters. Truth.

Self-examination can be difficult because you’re looking past your filters to the truth, and it is our filters that protect us, that shield us from real and perceived dangers. But filters, by their very nature, cloud your thinking and distort your vision, preventing you from seeing things as they really are.

Filters include moods, attitudes, and other people’s behavior. When you’re not feeling well, it’s easy to see yourself as someone who’s misunderstood and who should be given a break. While we all could be a little more tolerant of one another’s feelings, when moods and attitudes are used continually as an excuse for bad behavior, it doesn’t work. Everyone has a bad day or two, but to always be in a bad mood and expect people not to react is asking for a lot.

Real and Lasting Self-Esteem.

Then sometimes we use other people’s behavior as a reason to behave poorly ourselves, this justifying our actions. For example, “She talked about me to my boss, that’s why I sent a hurtful email about her to everyone on the company’s email list,” said Stella. While you may think you have a valid reason for acting a certain way in response to someone’s behavior, over the long haul ask yourself, “How does it make me feel?” Does your behavior bring you closer to or push you further away from real and lasting self-esteem? What could you do differently?

So if you find you are in a conflict with someone, take a moment and ask yourself, “Is there something I did or could have done to make the other person react the way he or she did?”  “Could my tone of voice, my body language, a look, or a word I chose to use have triggered the person in some way?” Because we don’t see ourselves as others do, it might be hard to assess this, but do the best you can. It’s a beginning.

To assist you on your journey, consider the following affirmations:

  • I am not afraid of knowing who I am.
  • I welcome the opportunity to know myself better.
  • I am open to knowing and loving all of me.
  • I am willing to step out of the darkness and into the light.
  • I am willing to see the part I play in my interactions with others.

Who do you think you are right now? How do you see yourself? Without giving it too much thought, write out your answers in a journal.

Feel free to join my conversation on FacebookFacebook Esteemableacts Fan Page, or my Facebook Law Page, you can also interact with me on my Twitter Esteemable Acts pageTwitter Law Page, or on LinkedIn.

Focus. Goals. Self esteem.


Stay focused on the goal.

Focus. Goals.

Focus. Goals.

Self-esteem comes from staying focused on your goals, and focus is the key to making something happen. It’s about being attentive to the goals, about keeping the end in mind. I learned from a wise person many years ago, that where I place my attention is what I ultimately manifest.

How many times have you made a commitment to yourself and not kept it? How many times have you just allowed stuff to get in the way of your doing what you said you would do? When we regularly neglect our needs and desires to the point that it becomes a lifestyle choice, we pay dearly.

So why do we get off track? Why do we allow ourselves to lose sight of what we say is important in the moment? There are lots of reasons, some more valid than others. Our emergencies, other people’s emergencies, lack of money, lack of time, insufficient information, no child care, our spouse, our boss, our kids – are all examples of excuses we use for not attending to our own needs. But regardless of the validity of our excuses, if we’re really honest with ourselves, we see that most often it boils down to fear.
Attaining focus and staying on track is about keeping agreements with ourselves. Eventually, to succeed at what we want to do in life, we must start doing the things that lead to our success, regardless of life’s distractions. We must be willing to take action regardless of how we feel. We must stay focused on the goal.

Here are some simple steps to take to focus on your goals today:

  • Identify three things you’ve been putting off doing. Whatever it is, this is the day to call it what it is: important unfinished business.
  • Create an intention to stay focused on what’s important. Write out a positive statement saying what you indent to do regarding those three things you’ve been putting off.
  • Identify the task and break it into small pieces. What small steps can you take to get you started?
  • Schedule everything. In your date book or on your electric calendar, schedule blocks of time – every week – to work on the small pieces that you’ve identified.I invite you to have the courage to stay focused on your needs and desires – no matter what!
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Contracts. Agreements. Due Diligence.


Contracts. Contract. Agreements.

Contracts. Due Diligence. Ask Questions.

Contracts. Due Diligence. Ask Questions.

When you sign a contract to go into business with someone or purchase something, do you really know who you are contracting with? Well, you better because as they say “the devil is in the details.” Not understanding these details and really doing your homework can cost you everything.

The seventh circuit court of appeals recently put forth a ruling concerning the liability of parent companies in regards to their subsidiaries.

The case involved three separate companies: Northbound Group, Inc., Norvax, Inc., and Leadbot LLC. Northbound and Norvax are both in the business of insurance leads. The two entities came to an agreement where Norvax would purchase the assets of Northbound. The purchase went through Leadbot LLC, which is a subsidiary of Norvax, created solely for the purpose of this transaction.

The purchase price of the acquisition was based on an earn-out percentage based on the monthly net revenue of the recently formed Leadbot LLC. The deal was contracted between Northbound and Leadbot, and Norvax, the parent company was not included. Northbound eventually filed a breach of contract suit, but learned that the fledgling company, Leadbot, had no assets. It then filed suit against both Leadbot and Norvax.

Northbound argued that Norvax, being the parent company of Leadbot, was in privity with Leadbot, and thus, in privity with them. Through a deposition of Norvax CEO, Clint Jones, it was established that funds from the buyout came from Norvax, not from Leadbot, and furthermore, that Norvax paid the salaries of Leadbot employees.

Norvax simply argued that they could not be held in judgment because they were not “in contract” with Northbound.

The seventh circuit court agreed with Norvax citing the time-tested standard that you can’t be sued for breach of contract if you are not a party in the contract. The court dismissed some of Northbound’s claims and granted summary judgment on the rest.

This case is sure to highlight the vigilance necessary when dealing with corporate parties in regards to deals with earn-out provisions. If the company contracted to pay the earn-out is not financially viable, you may have little to no legal options when you are not paid.


What’s the take-away for you in all this legal mumbo-jumbo? KNOW who you are getting in bed with and READ all agreements before signing.

Feel free to join my conversation on FacebookFacebook Esteemableacts Fan Page, or my Facebook Law Page, you can also interact with me on my Twitter Esteemable Acts pageTwitter Law Page, or on LinkedIn.

Victim. Accountability.


Give Up Being The Victim. Accountability. Victim.

Accountability. Victim.

Accountability. Victim.

Today, let’s discuss victimhood. Victimhood is an appealing place to live. When you’re in the victim mode, you get sympathy, you’re the center of attention, you have a valid excuse for not taking responsibility for your feelings or your actions, little is expected of you, and you feel justified for being depressed. In truth, it becomes an unhealthy pattern, one that’s often hard to break, because you get so accustomed to being the victim. Accountability never becomes an issue, because there is always someone to blame. It’s the easier, softer way to live for many of us. Yet in truth, it’s like digging a hole in the ground and decorating it, making it your permanent living space.

For years I used being black, being female, and growing up poor as an excuse for feeling and acting like a victim. Whenever anyone would listen, I’d share my sad sob story. And I used that as an excuse to be angry – all the time. Unquestionably, my life has been challenging, but at what point did I have a responsibility to turn my condition around? At what point did I have a responsibility to recognize that I helped to create some of what happened to me because of the choices I made?

Relinquishing your right to choose.

When we choose to relinquish our right of choice, we are making a choice. This is another unhealthy pattern we fall into. Often thinking if we make no decision at all, we’re free from responsibility, because someone else will have to make a decision, and be responsible instead of us. But making no decision is making a decision to give someone else the power, and the problem with that is we rarely like the choices others make for us.

There is no doubt that the feelings that led you to play the part of the victim are valid, but eventually you must make the decision to move on with your life. It’s an Esteemable Act to make right choices and leave victimhood behind.

What can you do right now in this moment to move you closer to making better choices? What one action are you willing to take right now? Perhaps it’s to talk to a buddy, or go into meditation so you can listen to your inner voice? Whatever you do, it’s importation that you do something.

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Blame. Responsibility. Choice.


 Choice. Blame. Responsibility.

Choice. Blame. Responsibility.

Choice. Blame. Responsibility.

It’s ALWAYS Someone Else’s Fault!

The other day I watched a program about a man who caused a car accident.  Anyone paying attention, with half an eye, was well aware that he was distracted. He was driving while texting on his cell phone. Yet, three people tried to convince him that it was not his fault and that things just happen. And he, put the blame on the weather.  Responsibility doesn’t live here.  He had but one choice–to text while driving in the rain.

Another situation, which I personally witnessed, involved a woman who lost custody of her three children. She is a chronic alcoholic who had been to rehab six times—on someone else’s dime. Despite the fact that she had been given many opportunities to get help, she refused to stop drinking and using drugs.  She felt she had no choice but to drink and use, despite available help.  Finally there were no more chances and her kids were taken from her. In meetings, on social media, and everywhere folks would listen, she cried that folks let her down, and that she was a victim, with no choice. “No one was there for me,” she cried. “Had my mom been a better mother, had that judge been more sympathetic, had my lawyer been more competent, had my ex-husband been more tolerant, had the system helped me – I would have stayed clean and sober.”

In a recent episode of Chicago PD a young hoodlum killed three people and held two cops at gunpoint. Yet he bemoaned how his situation was different, and she [the cop with the gun in her face] just didn’t understand why he sold drugs to kids in his neighborhood and killed people. He said, “My mom was on drugs and my father is in prison.” He continued to say, “If you grew up like me, I bet you’d feel the same way, too. I am not to blame, it’s not my fault. I had no choice.”

Responsibility.  Blame.

Those situations, and so many more, constantly remind me of how often we try to escape taking responsibility for OUR actions, by blaming someone or something else.  The blame game has become a part of our culture that it is almost comical.  In our culture, we seem to do whatever we want to do, regardless of who gets hurt, and then, our fallback is, “It was not my fault.” Is it ever our fault? Are we ever to blame for the actions we take at 18, 25, 39, 48, 55, 70-years old? Will the responsibility for our behavior always be someone else’s fault?

A common scenario on many television shows is betrayal by adultery. Almost every spouse who cheats on their spouse blames the other spouse for their behavior. At what point is the choice the cheating spouse? Why not leave? Get a job? Go back to school? Just leave? But if you make the choice to do wrong or commit a crime or betray a loved one, fine, but it’s a choice you make.

 We are responsible–like it or not.

Ultimately, we are responsible for the choices that we make, and so are our loved ones. They are responsible for their choices. We don’t help those we love by allowing them to not take responsibility for their actions.  Someone smokes cigarettes for 30 years, whose fault is that? Someone gets fat by eating hamburgers everyday all day…whose fault is that? They might want to blame the tobacco company or the hamburger vendor, but in truth, they made the choice to use or eat or drink or behave. Perhaps if we were held accountable for the choices we make, we would think before making them.  Every day we make choices as to how we want to live. What comes as result of those choices is our life – good, bad, or indifferent.  Until we truly become willing to take responsibility for the choices we make, bad things will continue to befall us.

Is there something in your life that you have done that you do not want to own up to? Is there something that continues to haunt you, regardless of how often you (and others) say that, “It’s not your fault?”

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